My Problem

Hello faithful readers (all 4 of you – Hi Mom!)! Sorry that I was MIA last week. Midterms caught up with me, and the first thing to go was blogging. The second thing to go was exercise, but that’s for a little later.

On Saturday, I watched my little brother play his heart out for what he probably thought was the last time. Instead, he led his soccer team to a sectional championship after two overtime halves and 14 penalty kicks. I don’t know that I’ve ever been prouder of him – not for winning (although that was freaking awesome) but for the way he has never given up. He has always believed in himself and his teammates even when no one else did. Here’s a picture of the three of us after the game.

IMG_0898[1]After I saw that picture, the first thing I thought was how awful I look. It wasn’t about how excited and proud I was in that instant, and that fact is shameful.

I’ve really been struggling this past week with running. Since it was midterms, I had to make some decisions on how to spend my time. Since it’s me and it seems like I only needed the slightest excuse to skip a workout, I decided to forgo the running. As a result, I haven’t run since Tuesday of last week. I honestly didn’t start out trying to skip the entire week, but it ended up happening that way.

When I tried to do my running yesterday, it was terrible. For a few different reasons. My crap eating for basically a whole week? Probably. My lack of any activity except walking to class for a week? Probably. My lack of willpower? Definitely. I got through 8 of the 22 minutes I was supposed to run, and my excuse to stop was the pain in my shins. Although that was completely true, I’ve run through it before and could have again.

When I turned around and started walking back, I honestly hated myself. Like a deep self-loathing. Even though I have all of these excuses, my problem is me. I’m the one that quits. I’m the one who thinks I’ll never be as good as I want to be. I’m the one who never says no to food because in that instant, I’ll never have another chance to eat that food again. It’s me.

If I really want to make a change that will last the rest of my life, I need to change something within myself. I can’t continue like this. Yes, the food and the exercise is important, but that won’t last if I don’t change myself too. It’s all me. Do I have any idea how to start doing that? Absolutely not. Any ideas would be welcome.

Sorry for the depressing turn, but it’s not all rainbows and butterflies over here. I will, however, leave you with one of my favorite pictures of all time.

IMG_0896[1]

Isn’t my mother beautiful?

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2 thoughts on “My Problem

  1. ..wow…a lot of words…YOU rock, Kristian…YOU are an amazing young woman…YOU are a role model for your brothers and for me…Don’t you EVER stop being just the way you are…ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.

  2. Love you, Kris! You are strong and undeniably gorgeous. Don’t let that brain of yours get in the way of where you want to go and how you see yourself!

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