Why Do I Have to be a Runner?

This is a question that I asked myself on Monday. I was at the gym, working through a Couch to 10k program on the track. Before you freak out, no, I’m not training for a 10k. The first few weeks of the app that I use are the same as C25K, so I can have both apps in one. Kinda. Did that even make sense? Anyway, I was in the middle of one of the 5-minute jogging periods, and I kept thinking to myself “Wow, I really hate this. I can’t wait for it to be over.” This is a typical thought in my head whenever I do the fat girl jiggle, but something clicked for me this time. Why am I running?

I’m running to lose weight.

Is running the only way to lose weight? No.

Then why am I doing it?

I realized that this time around on the weight loss train (you can read about the last time here), I’ve been equating running with success. Success with weight loss, yes, but other success as well. Success with healthful eating. Success with work. Success with relationships. Success with school. If I can just run that 5k, that 10k, that half-marathon, my life and body will be perfect. Not even close. Anyone remember when I ran that 5k? I’m still waiting on that perfect life.

Do I feel better about myself when I run? Yes, but it isn’t worth it. Let me tell you why.

I always feel fantastic when I finish running, but I absolutely hate every. single. step. I dread it so much that I sometimes usually find an excuse to just not do it. I have too much homework, I need to shower, I absolutely have to finish season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Netflix…the list goes on. The end result is that I don’t work out, and that’s exactly the opposite of what I need to do to be successful.

I’m not saying that I”ll never run again. I still have goals of completing that 10k, that half-marathon, and maybe even that full marathon someday. I am saying that I will no longer judge myself or my journey on whether or not I can run for a certain amount of time.

I’ll get back here. It is just going to take time.

IMG_4516-1Does anyone else feel this way? Let me know!

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